When The Saints
When the Saints documents my transformation into a “saint” in a struggle to regain what was stolen from me as a teen. I share a personal relationship with my camera; she is my closest confidant and in a way, a stand-in for myself. Unable to confront the truths and impacts of my sexual assault, I decided to confront the image of the woman I always thought I was supposed to be. In the darkness of a studio, I am able to let go of my guilt and shame: I share secrets with my camera and parts of myself I’ve never shown another human. In my solitude, I am at my most vulnerable, prisoner to my thoughts and memories. As a way to cope with this process of inquiry into my trauma, I turn to poetry to document these memories and details of my trauma. These images are the artifacts of my trauma and my attempts at organizing and making sense of it.
While contemplating the influence my catholic upbringing had on my ideas of sexuality, sex, and pleasure, I felt abandoned, betrayed by a religion I was told loved me. The Virgin Mary, Mother Teresa, and images of saintly women filled my mind. I desperately wanted to cling on to this ideal image of a woman and notion of piety. Always wondering why could I not have been her?
- Why me?
I turned this idea of a saint into a caricature. Using tablecloths and curtains, I would transform into a DIY, store brand version of a “saint”, aware I could never achieve the status of a real saint. Through this transformation I allowed myself to feel things that previously hadn’t reached the surface. Grief and trauma do not have end dates. It can come in waves and be different each day. My path to processing my trauma manifested itself in my studio practice. My images varied between studio sessions, mimicking the fluctuation in my moods and emotions when remembering and dealing with my sexual assault. This work does not represent the end, but only serves as a marker on my journey.
